why should the shadows come?

why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home?

when Jesus is my portion

a constant friend is He!

his eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches over me

its sooooooo strange that this song really hit the nail on how i felt today. i dont mean to be so needy, but i guess it was just a build up of the recent events. and if you're reading this, im sorry you had to see me like that ):

its like having non Christian friends comes with so many problems, yet my Christian friends come with a whole new different set of problems.

but the thing that i took away from it was that i dont trust God. i dont believe in the power that prayer holds, maybe because ive been asking and assuming i know what is "good", but not receiving. even if it is God's general will, it may not be part of God's specific will. (not sure if that made sense?) im not talking about the obvious things like material things or success or whatever. its more like the things that i know are "good" like salvation of non-Christian friends, church spiritual growth, etc. these things are part of God's will, but maybe ive been taking things into my own hands, and wanting to see results in my own timing? cos it sucks to see no results, and it makes me wonder if i am doing anything right!

but God has shown me through my awesome yd girls that what God gives will always be "good" and nothing short of "good"! 

"Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of him! But the thunder of his power who can understand?" -Job 26:14

who am I to question God? how could i be so proud to assume i know God's purposes?? ):

but God is so gracious to me, even when im so annoyingly unfaithful. sometimes i just feel like slapping myself arghz. he so patiently dealt with me, and showed me in the events of today (!!!)  that i was once like these youths! i must have forgotten that whole period of my life! i was once clueless, with no thought of spriritual things (except on sundays), highly insecure, immature, yet so (unrightly and falsely) sure about my salvation. but yet God chose to deal with me patiently, with patience that i could never even begin to show to these  youths. and although i still have these qualities, its much less than what it used to be, and in much less intensity. God is really wonderful! his forgiveness is always there, which is why i guess they always say that "there is nothing in this world that could ever change His love!"

the gospel never grows old, because God humbles us time and time again when we start to believe that we deserve this gift of salvation.

i pray that God will show me what it means to be content with Jesus as my portion. and that I am not alone in ministry, when it is the Almighty who walks beside me and holds my hand :`)