maybe that day will never come? 

im not even asking for a spouse. i'm asking for a friend. 

but well, i guess this blog will have to do for now..

i was just thinking today about how much i really treasure independence. freedom from being attached. its not like i've ever been attached, but i really felt the pressure of life this week. and i was just thinking about how funny it is that im getting more and more repulsed of the idea of getting into any relationship, whereas in the past, i would have jumped in on whatever opportunity i had. im really starting to understand why Paul says that singlehood is better.

however, i know that a lot of my reasons for singlehood are selfish... but i think my reasons for getting into a relationship would be even more selfish! one of the bad reasons are that it is really time consuming! haha this is quoted from nikki. she said married life is much freer, because there are no more "dates" as they are with each other a lot of the day. but it can never compare to singlehood. there is less "mess" if you know what i mean? 2 broken humans coming together in brokenness. yes, there is encouragement in pairs, but there is a whole lot more of discouragement when we start to get to know each other better. as a single person, i only have to work out my own salvation, it is between me and God. with someone so intimately tied to you, im guessing that sometimes its difficult to remember that marriage is temporary, but our marriage with God is eternal! sometimes when you are together for so long, you forget what its like to be alone with just God? thats my fear. but one good reason for singlehood would be that there is much more time to be involved in God's ministry, and less emotional baggage that you have to deal with before leaving the house.

ahh well. who knows if my sentiments might change in the future? 

i was just thinking of setting up a single ladies house where all of us who are unmarried in our late 30s will live together under one roof. but today, i realised that single ladies come with their own baggage too. there is a vast difference between being friends with someone, and living with someone who is your friend. because somehow, familiarity reveals all our "hidden secrets" and i dont think i can deal with all of that. 

but i'm so thankful for NOW. i can just be alone. just basking in God's presence, and remembering that His love for me is so immensely great. it never changes even though i fail him so many times. (`: it just makes me so happy that i get to spend eternity with Him!

but for now, till that glorious day of his appearing, we all wait. we struggle, but persevere because we see the final rest that we will enjoy in the future. We take heart because we know God helps us each step of the way.

Cos I'm not who I was when I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise that You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You 

And I will go through the fire if you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But you never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone