Monday, March 17, 2014
i was an extreme emotional wreck today. i really don't know what is up with me! and i wish i could say that it was PMS... just walking into church, i felt like i could burst out into tears any moment : / thats what happens when i try to keep things in...
i was just feeling extremely discouraged over yesterday, about the things some people did (or didnt do). it just made me feel like everyone is treating YF/ church solely as a social group and i felt so so sad. it felt like we were taking the blood of Jesus for granted! how can we not be serious when dealing with God's word? how can we always be so cold when sharing about spiritual matters, and so fervent/ excited to talk about everything and anything else? why is there no passion? are we truly in love with Him?
on my way home, i was thinking about how we sing "Awake Awake O Zion" so often, but our lives would look drastically different if we really meant the words of the song: clothe yourselves with strength! fix your eyes on Him! bring good news! proclaim the peace that comes from God! proclaim the great salvation! say that our God reigns!
i was just thinking about how many people i can think of who exude a passion and love for Christ in their lives, and not just treating God as a person who can make their lives better (here on earth). i shouldnt have had to think so long... ): i was just so sad because i know that this is not what a church is meant to be.. ): i guess maybe its also because they are youths? but.... ): ): ): it almost felt as if everything was crumbling before me, and i didnt know if i should stay to pick up the pieces, or just run far far away. would it be healthy for any Christian to be put in such an atmosphere? i felt like i wasted my time there that Saturday ):
i know it was terribly selfish and prideful, but i really couldnt see any good in all this and i didnt know what to do or how to deal with it.
but God has an amazing way of relating to me when i most need it! i was just choking up on almost every other line in each song today (i seriously suspected PMS) cos it was as if God was speaking directly to me! it was almost surreal when i saw the message topic too : In the day of trouble, what to do? so strange that it wasn't the usual chapter from the book of Judges, but we were doing one of David's Psalms.
i was reminded that in the day of trouble, i should ask God to:
Hear me. even when i feel as if i have prayed and prayed and nothing has happened. He knows what is good.
Defend me from the enemy. In this case, i realised that it was the devil who is the enemy, and not the people themselves. it is the devil who seeks to discourage me and tempt me to turn against people, because i know that my God is not a God of discouragement.
Help and strengthen me. even when i feel like i needed to figure out some amazing plan/activity which can revive His church, He reminded me that without His strength, all our efforts would be in vain. asking for His help is the opposite of self-reliance, and it is trusting dependence on His will, timing and goodness.
Remember me. even when it seems like i am so alone and just utterly lost, He knows me by name, and is sovereign over EVERY situation in my life
I realised that all this worrying was a sign that i didnt trust God enough! i know now that i'm on the winning team who will win the battle, even if it looks like God is failing in my current circumstances.
"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." -Psalm 20:7
:`)
avoid the aliens;
12:04 AM
