Monday, August 11, 2014
i don't like myself very much... when i see how some people can show such love and grace to everyone they meet, sometimes i hate myself. i hate myself for how selfish i am. i hate my pride. i hate it when i am so petty about insignificant things. i hate it when i always want to be right. i hate it when i get so impatient with people, forgetting that they are people at all.
maybe sometimes i think too much. maybe sometimes there are some things which cannot be answered, and need not be answered. maybe sometimes i ask too much. i read somewhere that too much introspection can sometimes become an idol. because it makes us less likely to trust God.
going to Philippines, i personally witnessed how some people can know so little (in terms of education), but can still love God deeply: with a love that affects the actions tremendously! sometimes i wonder, how does my intellect benefit me in any way? it only makes me more likely to overthink situations and to assume that everyone is meant to behave exactly as i would. but i have to keep reminding myself that it is not true!
maybe being in a place like Singapore also plays a part in the way i am.. not blaming it or anything. i think i am too easily influenced by culture. when i went to the Philippines, it somehow felt easier to be content, and it was easier to love people. but when i came back to Singapore, i went back to my "old ways". but im guessing that its probably also because its easier to love people who would love you back, or who are lovable to start with.
there is definitely something majorly wrong with me... i guess that is just how i am when i am not being filled with the Spirit and refreshed by the Spirit. i havent been relying on Him much recently... but i hope that He will be my source of strength, to sustain me through school when it starts.
im really feeling like a work-in-progress. its a horrible and uncomfortable state to be in. like a pot that is still being moulded. definitely not able to hold water perfectly, but eventually i would be able to! so many gaps and cracks, but Jesus is filling them up one-by-one. and one day i will eventually be like Him when i see Him! wish it was today ):
He bears with me so patiently, yet i don't do so with others. Help this useless, wretched sinner Lord!
only You can!!!
avoid the aliens;
12:35 AM
