Sunday, March 22, 2015
so many thoughts in the course of this week and today... especially today, i spent quite some time trying to decide if i was happy, neutral, sad, or somewhere in between (i have a mood journal so i record my daily emotions).
why do i feel so... strange. its a mix of disappointment (because of my expectations of others), sadness (over megan's grandpa's passing), sian-ness (that i see my mum so comfortably in bed, and yet i have to stay up to work) yet mingled with excitement and joy (over my new mentees). there's lots of other emotions that i haven't figured out yet, but i don't think i want to think about them anymore because i'm just gonna feel even more conflicted.
:( :\ :)
this must be so boring to read for anyone who is not me, and i apologize. this is just the way i get things sorted out in my head: i need to type it all out!
i'm so sad that megan's grandpa was a Buddhist. even though i don't know him, i just feel this overwhelming sadness that they will no longer see him again! and then i started to think about my friends who don't know Christ, and all the "nominal Christians"... i never want to see anyone turned away from the gates of heaven ): ): ): im just soooooo burdened and heartbroken. how i wish that they too could share in the joy of knowing Christ! but i know it is God who works and not I.
i'm also really sad at how short-sighted we, humans, can be! the world just distracts us from being lights because it is just so dark. i just wish that everyone had "kingdom" mindsets! to see the urgency of Christ's return, and wanting to make a difference in our generation! but i know that it is only the Spirit of God which has given me sight, and it is not because of my own spirituality. I just wish that God would use me to make a difference in church and in other's lives. i don't want to have lived my life selfishly only caring for my own spiritual needs. because indeed the harvest is plenteous but the laborers are few!
i have new mentees now! and i am sooo thankful and honored to be able to be part of their lives! i'm really doubting what kind of "help" i would be to them, because i don't really see myself as a leader/ someone that they can look up to, but i am praying that God will use me, despite all my weaknesses, to make His word more real to them, and that His power will work through this weak and broken vessel like me! i'm just immensely thankful for this opportunity and for answered prayers (: i just cannot wait for thesis to be over so that i can start mentoring them, and getting to know my new YD too :D its really such an exciting road ahead!!!!
I haven't been doing my Quiet Time lately for the past few weeks. but the weird thing is that God doesn't seem far from me! i guess it is because every time i think about my thesis, my thoughts just gravitate to pleading with God to just help me get through this. He feels like an old friend that i don't have to meet up with too often, but i know that he will always be there for me! this arrangement is definitely far from ideal though... there is just too much on my plate right now, and im just counting down to the day that im finally free. i have a sinking feeling that i may not pass, and may have to retake, but i know that it is really all in God's hands...anyway, what is a few extra months in the light of eternity? i just wish to finish this thesis race well. after all God places us in situations in life to test us, and these situations, in themselves, have no eternal value! what really matters is how we handled them, and the fruit that is produced in them. this is something that i have to keep reminding myself.
alright, back to work! thanks for listening, you ole faithful monsters on my blog. i'm sure you are sick of my whining/ complaining/ ranting, but i know you will never leave meeee (just because you have no choice) and its amazing how the load off my chest is so much lighter, bearing it together with you 3 (:
wow im such a loser. sometimes i surprise myself...
avoid the aliens;
11:42 PM
